Personal reflection
I have always tried to be open and honest in my writings to you all and, in fact, I have received much positive feedback because of it. I have to admit, though, that I was going to keep the following quiet. After all, I am an "internationally recognised MOTIVATIONAL speaker!"...aren't I?
I am, occasionally, a gambling man - although I only tend to wager on rugby and, as I have a good knowledge of the game, it's not so much gambling as taking a calculated risk with money. Anyway I digress. Many gamblers are happy to tell you when they win, and how much but stay quiet about it when they lose. I'm not one of those, as a gambler or as a person. I have regaled you with my successes and achievements for more than four years now so I guess it's time to tell you something less positive. After all, if I only ever told you the good stuff, you might start to think that my life was a bed of roses 24/7 and frankly it isn't.
Sometimes the universe throws something at us to kick our backsides and today was my day. I was sat in a café in the marina here on the beautiful Algarve in Portugal watching the world go by and playing with ideas for this newsletter when I took notice of the song that was playing on the radio. I recognised the song as one by Ronan Keating. Although I'm not sure of the title the chorus made me think and forced me to open my eyes and ultimately my heart. The words that inspired me were "...and I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand." Those words hit me like a brick. I realised that this is where I have been for the last three months...hiding from the world and everyone in it including those who care about me. So I have a message for all of those people whom I have ignored or at least taken my time to reply to... I'm sorry; sorry for not replying to calls, emails and messages and sorry for making excuses for not coming instead of telling you the truth. My truth is that I didn't tell the truth because I was (I say "was" - I'm not now) ashamed of where I have been.
As I write this I am three quarters of the way through my worst year for four years in terms of income and invoices issued. This is partly because I took the first two months off to prepare for my adventure in Argentina in February. It is also due to the fact that on 27th June this year I had a breakdown. Yes...Mr invincible finally succumbed to the pressures of what could be described as a three year physical and emotional Armageddon! In a period of just 34 months I had climbed Kilimanjaro at 5800 metres and Aconcagua at 6962 metres. Throw in a jog through 148 miles of the Sahara desert, and all of the training that goes with it, and you have three physically draining years. I had also grown my business year on year and handled a divorce with apparent ease ("ohhhhh, no you didn't") So on the morning of 27th June, I woke as usual and got out of bed, then immediately fell back in again. I honestly did not have the energy, physical or mental, to stand up and I was scared. I called my doctor from my bed and arranged an appointment for later that day - now I had a reason to force myself to get out of bed. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done physically in my life (and I have done some stuff!)
The next three weeks were purgatory. I had run out of all of the energy and enthusiasm and everything else that had kept me going during the last eight and a half years while I had built up my business. Worse still, though, was that I felt as though I couldn't tell anyone about it because in my head I am a renowned inspirational speaker and I was supposed to be able to overcome this sort of thing just by using the power of positive thought...and I couldn't. In short, whatever it was - I couldn't be bothered. Of course I kept all of my speaking engagements and I performed to my usual standards, better in a few cases, but as soon as I was back in my car I went back into my shell. I became a master of state management (altering my mental and physical state to suit an occasion.) On one occasion, I was driving the 7 miles from York back to my home and I had to stop to sleep. I slept in my car for more than an hour, just three miles from my house. I couldn't be bothered to write, to eat, to answer the phone or emails. All I wanted to do was sleep, and sleep I did. On one particular day I dragged myself out of bed at 11:30, went downstairs, and fell asleep on my sofa until 4 pm. For the first time that I can recall in a long time I felt as though I had no choice, I just had to sleep.
I'm happy to say that I am well on the way to recovery now and, as is usual with me, I have discovered a huge amount about myself and learned some valuable lessons along the way. Lessons that I hope will give me back my drive and enthusiasm to make it through the next eight and a half years. Let me share a few of them with you.
- I am learning what (and who) is truly important to me
- I haven't broken into a sweat for at least three months and don't intend to for another one although I have gained 8 kg in weight and I don't care (yet!)
- I have cancelled my planned trip to race in the Arctic Circle in February
- I have learned to turn off my computer for up to 48 hours at a time
- I have started socialising on a 'school night'
- I am learning to say "yes" to more things that I want to do and "no" to more things that I don't
- I am learning that friends come through doors that I have forgotten that I left open
- I have discovered that the place you might expect support offers only ridicule!
I'm almost back to normal now so I intend starting to train for the 2008 London marathon just to keep my weight down now and I will be on top of emails and messages before too long, so if you're still waiting for an answer - it's on the way.
However, as in most cases, there is always someone worse off than you. I heard the following conversation on the 08:10 from Leeds to Liverpool...
Train Inspector to Conductor: "How are you this morning?"
Conductor: "I'm looking forward to tonight - we are going out to celebrate my birthday"
Inspector: "Oh, happy birthday. How old are you?"
Conductor: "56 - it's only single figures until I retire now!"
Wow...what an attitude to choose to accompany your next 9 years...
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