Challenging your thinking
Have you ever been a spectator at a live football, rugby or any other game involving your team and openly contested a decision made against your team by the referee? Yes...me too! In fact I do it vociferously at almost every game I go to. If the live game I am attending is also on TV though I usually record it and watch it again when I get home. By watching it again I am able to see that most (not always all) of the decisions taken against my team were the right ones according to the rule book, showing that my immediate reaction was not justified. However, the benefit of hindsight is a wonderful tool that we don't always have available. It is rare that a confrontation or disagreement we have with someone will be recorded so that we can watch it again when we get home.
With that in mind it might be pertinent to see what we can learn from my regular miss-guided rants at referees. Next time you find yourself in conflict with someone or you are driving home having one of those "do you know what I should have said" moments it might help you to see it from the other persons point of view if you go back to the spectator analogy...
On the pitch is where the action takes place, where the guy committed a foul or something similar that resulted in a decision being questioned. On the pitch might also be in your office or at home when someone did or said something to you that you (initially) took offence to. Whether you agree with them or not what happens 'on the pitch' is the facts of the matter as they actually happened.
In the stands is where you are viewing the incident from. It matters not whether 'the stands' are actually in the stands at a game or whether it is in the office or at home being a spectator to someone else's words or actions. From here you will view what has happened through several filters available to you some of which include your opinion (perhaps of the person involved) your feelings at the time, the tone of voice you perceived the other person to use and your level self-esteem at the time.
Because of this you may well delete some facts, such as your part in the whole issue, and enhance other such as the tone of voice that you perceived them to use. As a result of this what ACTUALLY happened and what you CHOOSE TO BELIEVE you saw or heard happen might well be two completely different things. And to make matters worse the other person(s) involved will have been through the same process in their minds so that neither of you are actually referring to the facts of the matter anymore, you are simply referring to your interpretation of the facts.
So next time you are involved in a confrontation of any sort it might be good to take a step back, say quietly to yourself "The time for honouring yourself will soon be at an end" and then watch the whole thing again on the replay before you react or respond. Remember that taking a step back does not always have to be a backward step.
Recently my dog and I have been working on something new. She has this toy that she insists on taking into the garden to throw around, and then she leaves it there...or at least she used to. As long as the patio door is open I now only have to tell her to fetch the doggy (it's a stuffed dog) and she goes and brings it in. Now that's nothing amazing and in the scheme of things a pointless thing to write in a newsletter. I just thought I would tell you though because she is ten years old this month and, according to The Dog Years website, that's around 53 years in doggy years. The significance of this story is that you obviously can "teach an old dog new tricks"! It may also be possible for a leopard to change its spots and if you are ever told "Oh, you will never change" the person telling you is talking bo*****s
All three of these things have been told to a young man I was speaking with recently. He is, for want of a better expression, in the half of society that makes the top half possible. The conversation started when he actually said "do you think people can change?"
In the same vein (stick with me) Elaine and I fancied some no-brainer time (no need to think too much - popcorn time) at the cinema so we went to watch "Ghosts of girlfriends past." We were pleasantly surprised to discover that it was actually quite a good film with some laugh out loud moments. The title pretty much gives away the plot. Avery good looking misogynist refuses to admit that his childhood sweetheart is the love of his life so his conscience does the old 'Christmas Carol' trick on him. He is shown exactly what he was like as a youth, then what people are saying about him now and finally how the future looks if he doesn't change, which of course he does, by learning new tricks and changing his spots...and they all live happy ever after
Literally the very next morning I was reminded of the sort of person I was 15 years ago by someone who felt the need to tell me. In short I was described as a bawdy loudmouth who couldn't handle a drink. Of course what they told me was their truth, however on this occasion my painful truth concurred fully with what I was being told. What also struck me was that if this one person had the balls to actually tell me this how many others had thought it but kept it to themselves? This particular leopard is very glad to have changed (and cured) his spots.
I have said it many time before that I have lost count of the number of people who have told me that they believe that they are stuck with what they are and where they are because of who they are...or at least who they have been led to believe that they are by the people or the situations that surround them. It is possible to change, in fact as the world around us changes it is absolutely imperative that we change. Some changes are deliberate perhaps brought about by mistakes we have made and subsequent lesson learned and some are less obvious perhaps brought about by a change in our environment or belief systems. Other changes might be developed naturally over a period of time, I believe this is called maturity. Whatever the driver is for change the fact is that we can and do change who we are.
If there is something that you would like to change about yourself right now here are a few questions that might help...
- What is it that you would like to change about yourself (we cannot change others)?
- Where are you right now?
- Where would you like to be?
- What beliefs do you hold right now to support this change?
- What belief do you hold that is holding you back?
- What will you achieve by accepting the change?
- What will it cost you not to make the change?
- Who do you love or respect (or both) enough to ask for support during your change?
And finally...
- What is the smallest thing you can do right now that will have the biggest positive impact on making your change?
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